Many years ago I had fallen in love. But my love wasn’t meant for me. I went through one of the hardest times to accept that letting go was my only option. It wasn’t a big moment of victory it was a silent moment a split second that made me realize what was the only right thing to do even if it broke my heart.
We had used to let each other know when we where back im our hometown with a text simply saying: “Guess who’s back in town?” In a move to mend my broken heart I wrote onto a fresh page in my notebook this phrase: Guess who’s back.
Being a songwriter this was an attempt to at least make a song out of this misery, but the right words just wouldn’t come out. I wrote several lyrics and melodies but they never moved me. There was a feeling so existential so monumental I had no idea how to put into words let alone a song. For my second album “Fuel” I knew I wanted to open up more, really connect to peoples hearts, share some truth, struggle. So I opened a new document and started typing, I sat down at the piano and started to play. I managed to make a demo and played it to my co producers in a session. We instantly knew we had a chorus, but the story wasn’t telling it all. So I went back to the drawing board we found a chord progression and melody that spoke to us. I chucked all the lyrical drafts and started over. It was time. I was in a totally different space now, I was in a loving relationship with the certainty that letting go and walking away, and burning a bridge would teach me how to grow and be me. Without compromise. We had our studio session, “Guess who’s back” was the only real ballade on the album and I was scared to show such vulnerability vocally. Well, maybe not really scared but in a way simply unable. We recorded the song and I did a lot of angry crying and foot stomping during that session. I also could have killed my producer and friend who at one point had his finger on the delete button and after one word sung by me would already hit it. So with every tiny move of his arm I would get more aggravated. But it had to be perfect.
We decided to take a break and set a new recording date. This time at night. We needed more peace and quiet and I couldn’t seem to find that during the daytime.
The day came about six weeks after our first session, I sang the whole song or whole verses none of these line by line bullshit. I needed to breathe and feel the song. I sang it to the demo piano, and we all felt the magic. We knew we wouldn’t need more than a piano and me. “Guess who’s back” was born.
In between the two studio sessions I went to Sweden for a family visit. Shortly before I left, I spoke to a friend who told me there was a national part in the south of Sweden I neeeeeded to visit. I did as I was told and suddenly found myself in the world that I had described in my song. For the first time I saw the music video right in-front of me. I’m not gonna lie I did feel close the Beyoncé for a second there I mean she is the ultimate queen of visuals for her songs. I tried to get a crew to go to Sweden with me again that summer before my album was out but failed. Also the following summer. I found a team that was gonna work with me on a budget and these people where into my crazy. We scheduled everything for November 2019 a day before the trip we had to cancel everything due to technical problems and exploding costs. I was crushed. But once again live was giving me a sign to surrender, to accept what is and to trust the flow of my life. We found a new date for January and all was booked and looked great. We were going to fly to Kerry which is on the South West coast of Ireland, and shoot with two filmmakers Nass and Chris, the actress Laura Langlois and a photographer Anna Rakhvalova. I was super psyched about the whole project to start off the new decade of 2020. Then life gave me the ultimate challenge. Shortly before Christmas my cousin died. He was only a couple of years older than me, leaving behind his parents, grandfather, wife and two children one of which was only two years old. I was devastated. I have had my fair share of losses to deal with but it is not a thing you can prepare yourself for can you? I ended the year in sadness and gratitude. I was so grateful for all that I had in my life and was more aware than ever of how precious life, health and loved ones where. And then I got the date for the funeral service. It was on day one of the scheduled video shoot. Once again life came to tell me that I could sit and pout about it, cancel and lose a whole lot of money and walk away with no video or I could trust in the process and rely on my life to be hiding a master-plan for me on the other side of acceptance, trust and surrender. I didn’t really have a choice. I chose my family. When after some sad days and the funeral, I flew out to Kerry, Ireland to finally meet the crew who had spend all day shooting my video without me. We hadn’t personally met before, everything was planned by phone and email. The team was Nass and Chris who were in charge or filming and production, the photographer Anna and Laura the actress. I landed in Ireland and the airport was tiny. People getting onto the bis greeted the bus-driver by his first name. His name was Eddie. He assured me he’d take me all the way to Killorglin I should just lean back and relax. I instantly fell in love with this country! The guys picked me up from the bus-stop and took me to the house. We met in the living room with an open fireplace. After shooting all day outside in the cold everybody needed to warm up. The following days were magical. We all had so much love for each other and the land we where shooting in that I really feel this love reflects in the video. Right now I am tired and on the plane home but my mind is busing and so I am writing this last sentence as i touch down in Berlin. I open a text and type: „Guess Who’s Back in town?“